Reddit Riding Hood

Within seconds I was answering a host of questions: “Have you ever seen the Seinfeld Episode where George becomes a hand model?” “Are you crazy like that chick Ellen Sirot?” “How much for a hand job…?”

Growing up near Humboldt without a TV, among anti-technology hippies and stoners, I was taught from a young age to watch for fairies and other mythological creatures. But after an anonymous redditor posted, “Show us your tits whore,” I learned all too soon, the true meaning of an internet “Troll” – apparently not a gnome-like character from Middle Earth. I soon realized this particular Troll had made racist remarks in prior ghoulish rants. I pray my Southern Belle Grandmother is not listening when I tell you, THIS whore only shows the hand (and in this case, the finger) to such a jackass who shows his true colors.

My initiation into the dark forest of global networking didn’t end there…nor did the harassment.

But like Grandmother, I did my best to remain cheery and good natured as I bumped into a few more goblins along the cyber-path, bent on insulting the same profession I often ridicule myself. A hand full of Trolls even accused me of being an impostor (someone posing as “Adele Uddo”) – such an allegation is about as ridiculous as a profession stemming from the wrist-down.

After bantering back a bit, it became apparent that most Trolls are ultimately harmless, though not much fun. One Troll informed me he “didn’t give a fuck about hand modeling” and asked whether I wear “hyperbaric chamber gloves”, to which I responded, “Only when it rains.” Within seconds he deleted his question and ran back into the virtual woods, taking his intimidation with him.

I also learned when someone asked if I was “Master of my domain”, they were in fact inquiring about my masturbation habits (not whether I’m proficient at cheese pulls or have impressive pouring skills). Apparently the reference is from the infamous Seinfeld episode, and though it’s been mentioned thousands of times throughout my career, it wasn’t until a helpful and handy redditor posted a clip, that I finally saw a clip.

There were many repetitive questions and more hand gags than I can count on these fingers…but overall, I enjoyed my “outing” and encountered more Princes than Trolls. I even made a few new friends – including a 20 year old college student from Nashville, who in a private message, asked bashfully if I thought he was “too young” for me. Apparently not in the day and age of Demi, however this kind cougar encouraged the sweet boy to find someone who could be more hands-on than a cyber girlfriend who’s still learning how to use a smart phone.