Reddit Riding Hood

Posted · 19 Comments

When I told my Grandmother I would be guest starring on Burn Notice, her response was, “Fern Notice?”

When I asked if she had cable, she replied in a you-bet-cha tone, “Yes, I do!” And when I told her the program would be airing on the USA Network, she paused before inquiring politely, “Does it have a numba?” Pushing buttons with numbers is fairly new to Grandmother, who, until a few years ago was still renting rotary phones from BellSouth.

Point is, Grandmother and I have a lot more in common than our names…

I may be a few generations ahead, though technically, I’m not far behind. Hence my prior dependency on “handy” boyfriends. One relationship lasted as long as it took me to get a scanner of my own and figure out how to use the damn thing.

Until recently, I stayed away from social media, namely because I’ve felt unsure when it comes to navigating the wild world wide web. According to my shrink, I have an “invisibility” pattern which further explains my tendency towards such isolation, and the years spent hiding behind my hands.

Given I’m no longer willing to endure dysfunctional relationships for the sake of technical support, and since I’m determined to move beyond my lineage of technically-challenged relatives, and because I’m writing a blog (which I’m hoping will be read by more than my technically-challenged relatives), I realize it’s high time to get with the computa-program

Recently, after setting up my personal website, a very handy friend suggested I check out reddit, a social news site and international chat room where people post about themselves, with the introduction: “IAmA”.

After taking a deep breath, ready to venture forth into the unknown land of cyber-space, I posted the following: “IAmA hand model. I make a living one hand job to the next.”

Within seconds I was answering a host of questions: “Have you ever seen the Seinfeld Episode where George becomes a hand model?” “Are you crazy like that chick Ellen Sirot?” “How much for a hand job…?”
Growing up near Humboldt without a TV, among anti-technology hippies and stoners, I was taught from a young age to watch for fairies and other mythological creatures. But after an anonymous redditor posted, “Show us your tits whore,” I learned all too soon, the true meaning of an internet “Troll” – apparently not a gnome-like character from Middle Earth. I soon realized this particular Troll had made racist remarks in prior ghoulish rants. I pray my Southern Belle Grandmother is not listening when I tell you, THIS whore only shows the hand (and in this case, the finger) to such a jackass who shows his true colors.

My initiation into the dark forest of global networking didn’t end there…nor did the harassment.

But like Grandmother, I did my best to remain cheery and good natured as I bumped into a few more goblins along the cyber-path, bent on insulting the same profession I often ridicule myself. A hand full of Trolls even accused me of being an impostor (someone posing as “Adele Uddo”) – such an allegation is about as ridiculous as a profession stemming from the wrist-down.

After bantering back a bit, it became apparent that most Trolls are ultimately harmless, though not much fun. One Troll informed me he “didn’t give a fuck about hand modeling” and asked whether I wear “hyperbaric chamber gloves”, to which I responded, “Only when it rains.” Within seconds he deleted his question and ran back into the virtual woods, taking his intimidation with him.

I also learned when someone asked if I was “Master of my domain”, they were in fact inquiring about my masturbation habits (not whether I’m proficient at cheese pulls or have impressive pouring skills). Apparently the reference is from the infamous Seinfeld episode, and though it’s been mentioned thousands of times throughout my career, it wasn’t until a helpful and handy redditor posted a clip, that I finally saw a clip.

There were many repetitive questions and more hand gags than I can count on these fingers…but overall, I enjoyed my “outing” and encountered more Princes than Trolls. I even made a few new friends – including a 20 year old college student from Nashville, who in a private message, asked bashfully if I thought he was “too young” for me. Apparently not in the day and age of Demi, however this kind cougar encouraged the sweet boy to find someone who could be more hands-on than a cyber girlfriend who’s still learning how to use a smart phone.

19 Responses to "Reddit Riding Hood"
  1. Chele says:

    Middle Earth and Bruce Campbell in the same post. HEAVEN! LOL!

    I will be forever grateful to Ms. Dixie for the introduction. Another great little tale from your diverse life Ms. Adele. And perfect use of the word troll regarding your cyber dealings… it seems your tech lessons are taking. Now when is the Prince Blog. 🙂

  2. Adele Uddo says:

    I too owe Ms. Dixie Longate for much more than heaps of unused plastic crap. Thank you Chele!

    Prince was amazing, and Sheila E. (the other artist Deli admires along with Olivia), was still rockin the drums (and her abundant hotness) into her 50s.

    Yesterday's tech lesson was immensely helpful! -And thankfully without abuse or drama.

  3. Mindschmootz says:

    Glad to provide support that is not tied to abuse or drama. I have found that patience and a good example master most all domains.

  4. Comedy Karma says:

    Adorable as per usual! I can see you cheerily typing away and gamely answering rude questions with a smile. Until they go too far and get your beautifully shaped middle finger!

    Don't mind those trolls. As in any fairy tale forest, if we believe those trolls exist, they grow strong. If we see they are an illusion – just a puff of smoke emanating from a troubled and damaged ego belonging to a nerd who hasn't seen daylight in a decade – they then go…poof!

  5. Susan says:

    The original Adele Uddo make the inernet!

  6. Adele Uddo says:

    Thank you again Schmootz for the 'gentle' technical support.

    And CK I love your comment, classic!

  7. Keith says:

    cy·ber troll ˈsī-bər ˈtrōl noun- a mutation of a once human-like creature that has retreated permanently to the basement of its elders even though it has reached its spawning age decades prior. These creatures can often be found on porn sites, cyber screaming about current topics with little or know knowledge of events and general abuse of the information superhighway via a 7.0 kbps high speed internet connection. Fortunately, because of their reclusiveness and cheese like smell, breeding is highly unlikely. However, breeding attempts are made often with inanimate object procured for the same internet source as discussed previously.

    P.S. Hey Adele, sorry about the tit whore comment.. I have been in a dark place recently… what I meant to say was, "show me your p*%#@y, you c@#t", my apologies…

    love and light


  8. Lynn Zavaro says:

    Love the southern voice in this… Can really hear it! And you and grandmother together in those pics!!! So wildly uncanny and hilarious!

  9. Adele Uddo says:

    Keith, I like a troll with a twist of New Age… Love and light back to ya

  10. Anonymous says:

    you just keep getting better and better and funnier and funnier. each post is so totally different from the one previous. i love that! you are such a multi-dimensional woman. i love that too. guess there isn't anything i don't love about you except that you live so far now and i rarely get to see you. i think i will go cry. keep these stories flowing…please! some i was there for and some i wasn't, but somehow i can relate to all of them!

  11. cagefreetara says:

    this is HYSTERICAL.

  12. Sylvia says:

    I love Adele Uddo, The Original!!! And I love this blog! Kuddos!

  13. Kris says:

    This is why we get along so well. We both have stalkers, both have no ability with technology, and both have a unique love for cheese; you for pulling it and me for downing it in such quantities that it backs me up long after my Pizza Party Fridays. Don't worry about the trolls. They always go back in their boggs when you show them the correct finger, my darling! And what the hell is an "invisibility complex?"

  14. Adele Uddo says:

    I've long admired you for your cheese-n-gluten eating ways…which we both know of course leads to your cutting the cheese ways, but lets not get into that…
    An "invisibility complex" is when you were a ghost in a former life. Actually I was referring to a deep seated (and unconscious until recently) fear of being 'public' (i.e. writing about your thoughts/feelings/history for all the world and trolls to see).

  15. Chris says:

    I warned you about dem trolls…

    Remember what Dorothy, The Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Lion found behind the curtain?

    An ordinary man pulling levers and speaking in a microphone.

  16. Kel says:

    Your honesty is becoming an inspiration for me to get back to that in my own writing…thank you for that. I am definitely not as popular as you and have not had the displeasure of encountering personal attacks because of my blogging, of course I'm not a super famous, fabulous model. Don't let 'em get you down. It's like the "gentlemen" that cat-call when you walk around New Orleans, they aren't quite confident enough to actually walk up to you and introduce themselves because your beauty and confidence intimidate a lot of people, I'm sure. Just remember, only YOU can LET someone make you feel a certain way about yourself. So don't let them. 🙂

  17. Adele Uddo says:

    Kel, thank YOU for the 'inspiring' words. I've personally found with writing, the more you do it, the more you're inspired to do it (I guess it's like working out – humm, making note) 😉
    As far as the 'gentlemen' you refer, I used to be more sensitive to such MADness, but lately I'm seeing more the ridiculous Humor in us Humans…myself certainly included.

  18. Prent says:

    You've just graduated from cable to the big time, Network TV, whoo-hoo. OK, it's technically a 'broadcast syndication service' rather than a network, but it's over-the-air, and covers most of the US. so for the win.
    I just saw they even used a clip with you in to advertise next week's show (Wed. June 8) Burn Notice 2×13 – "Bad Breaks"
    rock on 🙂

  19. Adele Uddo says:

    Cool, I'll have to check out that site. Thanks a lot Prent 🙂

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