June 13th, 2012
24 Comments
Wedding_ring_Adele_edited-1-600x411.jpg

According to the stats-counter on my website, I’m occasionally searched as “Adele Uddo gay?” Guess the pussycat’s out of the bag. Believe it or not, I grew up straight  – at least during this lifetime. My friend, Sarah, and I were once told by a nutty naturopath that we were “gay lovers” in some other century.

…but getting back to this incarnation…. After years of searching my soul, and enduring a few MADdening relationships, I finally found a great man, fell madly in love and plunged into that thing I thought I’d avoid altogether: MARRIAGE.

Granted it wasn’t quite my first time…

People repeat the same cliché about finding love: “You’ll know when it’s right.” Surely, I thought, someone as complex as I would never simply ‘know’…but I did. There was something special about being with Chris that felt different from my previous relationships. There was a deep sense of mutual caring and comfort I hadn’t known before. I felt both safe and passionate, a combo I thought not possible.

Wedding_New_Orleans

My husband wouldn’t hurt a fly – or an ant apparently, as I’ve watched, perplexed and amazed, as he sweeps them up gently to transport them outdoors.

Unfortunately, I can’t say I’m accustomed to such a gentle soul as Chris. On our first date, when he told me he meditates and practices yoga, and my first inclination was to question silently his sexual orientation (not that any of my gay friends are yoga/meditation enthusiasts).

Prior to Chris, my type of guy was short n’ angry – sort of an Eminem meets Bella Lugosi – I dug dudes who sucked (the fuckin life outta’ me). Thankfully, Chris comes without a Napoleon Complex and is anything but angry. To this day, I’ve not seen him punch a house, throw furniture, or tell me what a piece of shit I am for having an opinion that differs from his.

By all accounts, I hit pure gold in the world of bachelors. Chris is kind, he’s clean (as in tidy and drug-free), he’s hot, he’s had therapy, and while he doesn’t cook, he can afford a meal a few steps above the salad bar at Sizzler. Best of all, he doesn’t threaten to beat me. Woohoo! Who knew?

So what’s the problem, Choid? The bastard android of all things negative in my head has searched high and low for the impending disaster that will inevitably befall me at the hands of my prince. Yet, so far, this sadistic Martian hasn’t been able to discern any substantial stand-out issues with my husband (and believe me, he’s tried).

When Chris and I first met, Choid attempted to warn me away, but couldn’t compile a case beyond: he’s not handy, he has big weird toes, he loses his keys…

…and lord knows, he’s got to be a player! There was no evidence of the last allegation, other than: cute, well-dressed guy living near Hollywood, whose former hairdresser’s husband is married to a rock star and owns a popular lounge in Washington DC…. Need I say more?!

By now, logic would lead me to know that my husband is no whore, and yet, it’s as if I’m waiting for the script of my life to soon read: “Enter Angelina.”

Wondering where I picked up such paranoia? Let me introduce my hot-blooded bloodline….

 

*If subscribed to the email feed, click title at bottom of window to play video (or go to blog page)

My Hot Blooded Bloodline from Adele Uddo on Vimeo.

*Video edited by Tom Vanasse

 

While Choid’s been hell bent on finding fault with Chris, he’s ironically made many excuses for former men in my life. You see, if there’s no problem for Choid to fix, he’s out of a job. Therefore, Choid is partial to guys who insure a juicy drama, like the last MAD man I loved, who had no friends or job (or sense of humor), and scared small children…but boy did he make a mean pesto!

As amazing as my husband is, I’m still waiting for Happily Ever After to kick in…. Somewhere along the way, I assumed the not-so-bright belief that upon meeting my magic man, all pain would suddenly disappear like a rabbit from a hat (which it did, for the first year and a half).

Sure, I bought into what books and fairytales say about romantic love…

Yep, that's me on the cover

Yep, that’s me on the cover

These naïve notions, which I still cling tightly to, are a bit bewildering considering the relationships I observed as a child seemed to bring more suffering than eternal bliss.

Sure my mom and dad loved each other…

…not long before they realized they hated one another.

My parent’s partnership was the bane of much mutual misery. I was first made aware of my mother’s grief as soon as we left New Orleans. In the back of the Mars Hotel bus I received the dramatic download that caused her to cry and hightail it out of town:

“When I first met ya’ dad Deli, I made him laugh all the time. He loved me fa’ me. Then women start askin’ me, ‘Who’s ya’ husband with ta’night?’ I tried…I LOVED him…I still love him. Didn’t matter that ya’ dad wets the bed…but somehow he managed to piss on ME every night!”

My seven-year old psyche wasn’t able to fully comprehend the weight of her words, but more often than not, when she cried, I cried along with her. Of all our weepy exchanges, one moment sticks out above all. With a tear-stained face, she looked at me and said something I’ll never forget:

“Deli, we are on a journey to find LOVE.”

After a few seconds, she broke her gaze, threw her arms to the sky and cried out, “Not lies!”

What did she mean we were on a journey to find love? Is love something you find? I thought we already had love in New Orleans. Then what the heck is love? And why do we have take this stinkin’ bus to find it?

I certainly feel as though I found love in my relationship with Chris. I suppose, I also expected a lifetime of Happily to follow.

I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy, I’m just…still searching for some missing peace. Being in a ‘healthy’ relationship has certainly put me more in touch with the rather dysfunctional relationship I have with ME. When I no longer had someone to fight with, the war within became louder than ever.

Since knowing Chris, I’ve become ever more aware of where I could give myself a break, and a little more love. In fact, Choid has tried repeatedly to convince me that I don’t deserve solid support.

Somewhere along the way, I linked love with pain, and so I’ve expected commitment to come with a hefty side of suffering. The “war” I survived years ago is long over, and yet I find myself occasionally still braced for battle. Perhaps I’m simply finding my way within a very different definition of love.

Lately I’ve been asking myself the question: What is true happiness, and what gets in the way of attaining genuine joy? I’ll be exploring that subject in depth in the book I’ve begun writing. I know…who do I think I am, the Deli Lama?

When Brad Pitt, a man assumed by many to have an all-access pass on the path to pleasure, was asked recently if he was happy, he shrugged with ambiguity and said, “Happiness is overrated.”

Apparently the US is one of the least “happy” countries in the world. Ahhh…such relief to know my misery has the company of a continent. Within a culture of material comforts, anti-depressants drugs are prescribed permanently, addiction runs rampant and violent crime is considered an unfortunate but normal part of the status quo.

For all we’ve acquired from the Western lifestyle, happiness is apparently less tangible than our technology. Surely, if happiness was so simple, someone would’ve found the formula and packaged it by now – trust me, I’m in the business of selling “happiness” to millions.

For me, I believe more happiness will follow once I find a greater Love. Be it a deeper connection with divinity, or a more intimate rapport with the impulses and wisdom of my own heart – There is where the mental madness of Choid will cease within the peace I seek.

For many years, I’ve wished to find within myself an everlasting love, the kind of love that doesn’t retreat so easily or have an army of defenses protecting its perceived vulnerability – the kind of love that has more than enough to give, and doesn’t decide who’s worthy or when…. Perhaps the greatest yearning is also the biggest challenge.

Following in the footsteps of my wildly brave mother who set off on a similar journey long ago, I will continue the quest to find LOVE. And like my Demon DNA, I will work with my demons along the way.

Landing in love with Chris has allowed me the opportunity to cultivate within myself the care I ultimately crave. No mortal can save me from certain suffering (nor can I salvage another soul).  Lasting happiness doesn’t come from anyone or anything. For me, it’s found in the exquisite moments when I really look into my husband’s eyes, or cackle loudly with a friend, or notice a tree whose branches although tied in gorgeous knots, reach for the heavens…

I can’t imagine anyone better for me than Chris to walk the path of marriage. This partnership continues to make us grow in ways I never expected. Being happy and fostering fulfillment is ultimately my responsibility – for the keys to creating more contentment are always found in my own hands.

“If we are to have true peace in this world, each of us must find it in ourselves first.” –Daily Om

With every part and all my heart,
Adele

*Recently, I’ve begun focusing on my book, hoping one day to FINISH the damn thing. If you don’t hear from me as much, please know I’ll reemerge eventually, with more to share. I send you all my most sincere gratitude for the support you continue to show me. Peace and love my friends xo

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Comments

  1. http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/5b9c8cd38da84af4370aeaacbaf372e1?s=32&d=retro&r=G Michele says:

    Hmmm – you have two ‘Chris’ in your life that rescue small bugs. Wonder what that says about you?
    Hugs lady friend
    chele

    • http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/a315b7cf6b820dfd75ad5d31866b6b71?s=32&d=retro&r=G Adele says:

      Chele, I probably would’ve married the first bug-loving Kris, but he wasn’t quite available if you know what I mean (at least during this lifetime). ;) Hugs back xo

  2. http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/d11be32947a8fd68340344b58a649ab3?s=32&d=retro&r=G John Hagerty says:

    Chris is a very lucky person to have you in his life. The other guys past are lucky that your Dad wasn’t still around cause he “woolda kick the shit outta them”. Hell I’m not with you and I am happy to have you in my life also lol. Thanks for another awesome blog, they make my day whenever you post them. :) Love ya

    • http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/a315b7cf6b820dfd75ad5d31866b6b71?s=32&d=retro&r=G Adele says:

      John, one of the joys of writing this blog has been meeting people like you. The pictures you’ve sent to me are priceless, as is your friendship. I’ll be forever grateful for what you’ve shared with me.

  3. http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/6add12ad7df1ee99aa68cc8f17bd4a31?s=32&d=retro&r=G tara says:

    as always – you’ve made me laugh, get misty and actually think. i love how you write – it’s like you are sitting talking to me. you have a true gift – thank you for being so open and vulnerable – it helps me.

  4. I agree with those above; Chris is a lucky man, and you are a lucky woman. And don’t be afraid of the Choid, embrace it. History, however recalled, serves to remind us that we lived through the MADness and have finally loved our demon enough to allow the sweet, sane stuff.

    Oh, and those Google searches on your stat counter, “Adele Uddo gay?”. It’s just me…you can’t fault a girl for checking repeatedly, right?

    • http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/a315b7cf6b820dfd75ad5d31866b6b71?s=32&d=retro&r=G Adele says:

      Mind, I needed a good laugh today so thank you for always bringing it! -Along with the poignant of course. Thank you my dear friend. I am one lucky bitch to know and love YOU (over many lifetimes).

  5. http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/b58f187359afdc86be13df16b3263a39?s=32&d=retro&r=G GPS says:

    I love this post! And I can’t think of a better woman for Chris than you! Its so wonderful that you found “the one” and am SO HAPPY you went through all the frogs to get to the prince (yes I am a bit biased– he has a GREAT family you know)!!
    Love you and your blog :)

  6. http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/7fee82b2371502c3245cbcb8ddd7e2bf?s=32&d=retro&r=G DDavis2 says:

    I, along with Schmootz, am guilty for the Google searches: “Adele Uddo…gay??” With a few, “Please say she’s single and a huge lez” ‘s thrown in for good measure.

    You are truly a treasure and each post gets better and better as I read on! I cannot WAIT for your book!

    I think there are quite a few of us on this silly planet of ours that are on a quest of sorts. I completely agree with your quote in regard to peace along with “we cannot truly love someone else if we do not love ourselves.” (Something I struggle with on a very deep level)

    I was amazed while watching Oprah’s Lifeclass one day when Goldie Hawn recalled what she wanted to be when asked that inevitable question by the adults in her life: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Her answer? “Happy” To which her parents (I assume) reiterated, “No, no. What do you want to BE?!”

    Her answer remained the same.

    Could you imagine knowing at such a young age (five years old I think she said) that it’s your destiny, your fate, to simply be happy? And I don’t know about you, but when I think of Goldie Hawn, I get a huge smile on my face! The woman bubbles over with joy!

    I think your fella is super blessed as well! I wish you BOTH much happiness!

    DD xxoo

    • http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/a315b7cf6b820dfd75ad5d31866b6b71?s=32&d=retro&r=G Adele says:

      DD, as I just said to John (who I also met through writing), you are a “treasure” to me too. Your generous and heartfelt words touch me every time, along with your fabulous wit -I’m sure I was a “huge lez” in more than one of those past lives ;) As far as Goldie Hawn, yes, pretty cool to be aspiring for “happiness” at 5 years old. Maybe blonds really DO have more fun. I hope you’re not one of the cursed brunettes D. Regardless, from my pov, there’s a whole lot to love -so lets keep helping each other learn to appreciate ourselves. Thanks for your awesomeness!

  7. http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/97418fcd7cef3f9722ef6c8ef109dcdd?s=32&d=retro&r=G Ash says:

    Adele, as always you make me laugh and smile. Beautiful blog! And I’m with Schmootz – cant blame a girl for hoping the answer will change! lmao!

    Ash

  8. http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/231479ed7fdd0eab8f3f066728008558?s=32&d=retro&r=G Justine says:

    Beautiful blog, including the gorgeous husband. ;-) But alas, I’m with mindschmootz on this one…. can’t fault a girl for checking.

  9. http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/9dbc3368cf76beeb10dc73b26b4b0a60?s=32&d=retro&r=G TC says:

    Another beautiful blog! When you describe the kind of love you search for it brings one thing to my human mind, and that is, we are only HUMAN. The kind of love we all search for is that Divine Love. The Divine Love is not easily accessible in this flawed world that we live in at the moment. I think the closest we can get to divine love is to share ourselves with someone we love and be honest and true, and accept that we might not find that Divine Love until we change addresses. Once we move on, we get to bring all that human love to another place and it gives us real credibility in the next place. Because we ARE going to another place one day and I think we will find it…Divine Love!

    • http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/a315b7cf6b820dfd75ad5d31866b6b71?s=32&d=retro&r=G Adele says:

      TC, this is so beautifully said. Yes, I think so much of what we seek outside ourselves is a calling toward something higher that can’t be found or filled through someone or something. It’s a universal and transcendent Love that connects us all, and is accessible through the heart and heavens.

      Justine and Ash, you guys consistently put a smile on my face, and a little more love in my heart ;)

  10. http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/d65faa2cdde0e6d608f1afefd54ed62a?s=32&d=retro&r=G nancy says:

    WOW is all i can say at this point. maybe the best blog yet. what a fantastic couple you and chris are. i am so thrilled that you waited for him to come into your life and that you knew the other “dudes” were not right for you….long term anyway. having my own set of challenges in my marriage, i love what you said about yours. i hope you blog about your marriage in TWENTY FIVE years and see where you and chris are at!! anyway, again like i keep saying, those photos you add are the frosting on the cake for me. it makes everything so much more real and alive. i will miss your blogs,but can’t wait to read that book you are writing!

  11. http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/127b5b6779fc8ce8f1e3c2884924c96e?s=32&d=retro&r=G Lynn says:

    Beautiful beautiful beautiful. And that video!!! OMG!! Falling on the floor laughing!!!! (Was it a bazaar naturapath or a bizarre one? hee hee..) Here’s rooting for your creative journey with the book!!! YAY!

    • http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/a315b7cf6b820dfd75ad5d31866b6b71?s=32&d=retro&r=G Adele says:

      BIZARRE naturopath! Thank you for the correction Lynn. I’m so glad you fell on the floor laughing -hope you hit carpet and not tile :)

  12. http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/853cc38daeedb6ad116cbdc7606eee2e?s=32&d=retro&r=G Kelly says:

    As always, my friend, there is so much “meat” in this post. The waiting for happiness to show up really resonates with me. I know that I’ve mentioned to you my sense that I don’t know what being happy feels like. Is it just a moment here and there or is it supposed to last longer?

    I respect you so much for being able to hold in one hand the love you have for Chris and the commitment to evolving within the bonds of marriage, while in the other hand being emotionally and spiritually evolved enough to ask the tough questions about what you’re feeling (or not feeling) and why.

    Love you, Gator!

  13. http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/46a30e808e31e9c560b3b8a59752da53?s=32&d=retro&r=G Sarah Taylor says:

    I love you and Ye Sweets (aka Chris)! So happy you shared your story with us. I’ll miss your blog posts, but I’m so glad you’re focusing on the book. I can’t wait to read all the juiciness contained in THAT! Love,
    Your Former Gay Lover From The 17th Century

  14. You teach as you learn. What a Blessing you are!

  15. http://1.gravatar.com/avatar/9e6cdaf59bc46b3709b6f7cb13b614fb?s=32&d=retro&r=G Chris says:

    My world premiere!! Looks like the audience loved it! …as much as me and my big weird toes love you.

    Keep opening hearts!

    XOXO

    • http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/a315b7cf6b820dfd75ad5d31866b6b71?s=32&d=retro&r=G Adele says:

      I’m so touched by all the love. Thank you all for tuning in and touching MY heart every step of the way. I promise to put these paws to work on the book, and look forward to sharing it will you all (hopefully in this lifetime) ;) XO

  16. http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/2198489b20420830b46e0be56d829ae3?s=32&d=retro&r=G Kiki Davis says:

    Ah yes… the Choid! I love the inner Choid, he cracks me up.. all his advice is silly and whenever I listen to it I end up cold and alone. After many years of inner personal work, I have gotten better at putting Choid in the corner on “time out” wearing a dunce cap. I am sure your Choid is way better looking than mine, and if they ever hung out together would be able to find so many things wrong with each other that they would not be able to stay in the same room.. of course until they started gossiping, lashing out at other Choids. At this point they would become Choid-mates and stones would be cast upon the world through fragile glass hearts and trapped minds. Fortunately, you and I get to hang out in the spirit realm and our Choids can just “suck it”!

  17. http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/a13a3b8e3be5da24233fec6fa6bd317f?s=32&d=retro&r=G Laura says:

    Have I told you lately how incredibly brave I think you are? The deeper you go, the richer the writing. I too will miss your blog but, will be at the front of the line at your book release! Congratulations Adele. Love you.

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